It's all about the work

I love making art. Sometimes that's in tension with what my body needs.

Raw wall space at Sator Projects in Portland, where the Willing & Able show on disability arts will open on October 6.

Despite my best intentions, I often find myself overindexed — grappling with more than I can reasonably handle, and hoping verve alone will carry me through. And most of the time, it does! (Side note: I’m working on it, really. My new mantra? Less is more.) Being busy has long given me a sense of purpose, and it’ll take me a while to unlearn my habit of saying yes to almost everything.

I’m thinking a lot about the tension between a can-do spirit and one’s real limitations, especially in an arts context. That’s partly about my personal experience, and partly about broader reflections on (dis)ability.

This fall, I’m delighted to be part of a group show on disability arts and disability aesthetics — Willing & Able. It’s set to open October 6 at Sator Projects in Portland’s Central Eastside, and I’ve been collaborating with three other artists to bring it to life. It’s an honor to work with these brilliant activists and makers.

I’m brimming with ideas, inspired to make new work, and — to be quite frank — a little nervous that I won’t be able to pull it all off. I have two big walls to play around with, and most of the work I make can fit on a piece of printer paper. So I challenged myself to take up more space for this show, to resist making myself and my art small to accommodate others. The pieces I’m exploring take on ideas of language and its uses, as well as the impact of communication challenges and silencing, based on my experiences with transient aphasia. I often fear my voice goes unheard, and this is an opportunity to do a bit of shouting; what could be more exciting?

This large banner, which will be abstract layers of letters, is work in progress for the Willing & Able show opening in October.

Still, it turns out creating these bigger pieces is rather demanding. I spend hours in the garage painting or prepping paper or gluing things down, ignoring pain or pushing through it, in service of making what I really want to make.

I take frequent breaks and pace myself. I set reminders to take my medicine. I stretch and do my PT exercises. I use braces for joint stability when needed. I’m staying hydrated. But the truth is, what I want to do requires more physicality than I can reliably muster. And that’s interesting to observe as I prep for the first show in which I share my experience inhabiting a body with fluctuating abilities, depending on how I’m doing with crippling migraines, or orthostatic intolerance, or other symptoms on any given day.

I’ve spent the better part of the last couple days in bed, making smaller components that can be applied to a larger whole. Resting, and keeping the faith that it will all come together in the end. Experiencing disability often requires resourcefulness, creative thinking, and approaches that aren’t perfect but are realistic. I’m happy there are adaptations I can make, happy to have a comfortable bed and a roof over my head. But I’m still plagued by thoughts that all this effort isn’t enough.

Part of the work, or even my artistic enterprise more broadly, then, becomes simply carrying on. Having the courage to show things that aren’t necessarily how I want them to be, but that still matter in all their beautiful imperfections. It’s a fall of experimentation, and growth, and vulnerability. It’s a season of following my heart and pasting it all together, even if the seams show. And as I balance breathless on the tightrope between what’s best for my art and what’s best for me, I know that if I keep putting one foot in front of the other, I’ll make it through just fine.

Willing & Able: Cultivating Disability Arts in Community
October 6—November 4, 2023
Opening Reception: Friday, October 6th, 5-8pm
Gallery Hours: Saturday & Sunday, 12-5pm
1607 SE 3rd, Portland, OR 97214

See my work

I may be head down on new work, but you can still catch some of my collage in Pacific Northwest group shows:

• 10x10x10 Tieton, 519 Maple St., Tieton, WA, through October 8: Happy to have a piece in this group show of small works. Gallery hours are Fridays and Saturdays, noon to 5 p.m., or by appointment.

• Read Between the Lines, Cancer Lifeline, 6522 Fremont Ave N, Seattle, WA, through November 9: Wear a mask and visit Tuesday to Thursday from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. This show is a collaboration between Northwest Collage Society and Cancer Lifeline, where artists were given poetry written in a support group as a prompt for bespoke collages based on the work.

Just for fun

Kinetic Light does amazing work. You should watch it!